How-to-Tuesday #3

This Tuesday I won’t be writing an elaborate how-to. I’m not feeling well, and I could try to tell you how to do something, but I have a feeling it won’t be any good. I feel like my How-to’s should give you actual advise, instead of total nonsense. I did teach you how to open a door last week, which was some intense business. So today I’ll keep it simple. I will teach you how to be sick.

First of all, make sure you really feel sorry for yourself. Just take a moment to feel all the pain and tell yourself how unlucky you are. Just keep asking yourself: ‘God, why me?’ It can also help to make some noises while doing this. Grunt, moan, sigh maybe cough a little. Really get into that state of self-pity.
Once you get into this state of mind, go look for someone to complain to. Tell them exactly how you feel and try to explain the pain you’re feeling. ‘I feel like my lungs are on fire!’ or maybe ‘I feel like someone is banging my head with a hammer.’ or if you really want to make an impression ‘I feel like I’m dying. I’m sure of it. I’m not going to make it.’
At this point the person you were complaining to will feel the need to help you. They might not want to, but they will. Take full advantage of this situation. Fall down on the couch, while making some more noises, maybe put your hand on your forehead (like you’re fainting) and let the magic happen. You just got yourself a personal butler.
The rest is pretty simple. Get yourself into some comfy clothes, wrap yourself in a blanket, put in a Disney DVD and smother yourself in your own misery. If you need something, just sigh loud enough so your butler can hear and let them do the rest. (Just to make sure your butler won’t get irritated say something like: ‘You’re an angel. I wish I could get my own cup of tea, but I’m soooo sick.’)

Ooh, I’m sorry this is a how to have the man flu. Silly me. Let me try again. How to be sick (for women).
First of all, assess the situation. Ask yourself some basic questions.
Do you have a fever? -No. Don’t be a pussy. Get to work.
-Yes. Go to the next question.
Can it be solved with some type of medication? -Yes. Good, let’s get up and start the day.
-No. Go to the next question.
Can I still walk? -Yes. Get your butt out the door.
-No. Go to the next question.
Are you sure? -Yes. Okay, you’re sick. Lay down!
Form this point just follow the same steps as the men do.

Have a nice Tuesday.


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