How-to-Tuesday #4

I hate being wrong. It’s not something that happens often, I’m usually right, but when it does happen things are about to go down. I think it’s all because I’m the youngest. As the youngest you feel this pressure to always be right about everything. The fact that you’re younger doesn’t mean you can make mistakes. Your brother and sister made those mistakes so you wouldn’t have to and now you have no room left for making mistakes. So, this Tuesday I’m going to teach you how to win every argument. Who knows, I might actually learn something myself.
Side note: Ooh, for all the younger siblings who read this post. If you want to win an argument, just start screaming. Crying helps as well.

But let’s get serious. You all know how good I’m at that. I would also like to say that there is a difference between a fact and an opinion. I’m all for everyone having their own opinions, unless their opinion is not the same as my opinion. (Okay, I admit it. That joke was way too easy.)
Let’s do this. Winning an argument in six easy steps.
Step one: Get yourself really pumped up about this argument. Pretend like your life depends on the outcome of this fight. Whatever you do, don’t stay calm. You really need to show everyone you won’t back down!
Step two: Get your facts in order. Make them up if you have to, just make sure you have them ready. I usually use these simple lines like: “Scientific research says…” or maybe “Wikipedia says…” No one can argue with Wikipedia. Really throw those facts in your opponents face. Let them keep coming. Remember don’t back down.
Step three: Pretend to listen to what your opponent is saying. Here are some other lines you could use. “I see what you mean.” Or “I can understand why you would think that.” Or maybe “That makes sense.” Give them a false sense of accomplishment and then smash them down. Throw some more facts at them. Crush their arguments!
Step four: Whatever he says, just keep asking why! No matter what he says, just keep going. “Why?” “Yeah, I get that, but why?” This will really throw them off balance. You’re on the right track, just keep going.
Step five: Make it personal. This is the step that will really destroy your opponent. Try to get your opponent to cry, maybe use a few Yo Momma jokes! You’re almost there. Keep up the good work.
Step six: Humiliate your opponent by distracting them. “Look, a unicorn.” When they look, just keep laughing and laughing and laughing. This is the moment your opponent will break down and run away crying.

You did it. You’re a total assh*le, but you did it! No one will ever want to talk to you again, but you won!

I hope you people understand that this is not how it works. I’m just joking. Gotcha!
When you do get into an argument and things start heating up, ask yourself if it’s worth it. Otherwise, just let it go.

Have a nice Tuesday.


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